Welcome to PTH Donuts!

These Terms (hereinafter referred to as the "SUPER SERIOUS AGREEMENT") are written in the proud tradition of software: occasionally confusing, somewhat effective, and having an abundance of legal vulnerability and technical debt. The following text constitutes a law-evading contract that is to be observed "BECAUSE I SAID SO" throughout the entirety of this dispensation of your software career.

Agreement Version: v2.0

Terms Effective Date: 2026-02-09

Effective Date: Immediately upon your continued use of the site and/or acceptance of these Terms.

Parties: (a) you ("User", "The Hungry One", or "The Person Who Read This"), and (b) PTH Donuts ("Site", "Application", or "Mysterious Schedule Thing").

Acceptance: By clicking accept, continuing, or otherwise engaging in donut-adjacent behavior, you agree to be bound by this SUPER SERIOUS AGREEMENT to the maximum extent permitted as authorized by the office of the presiding deacon of the church.

SECTION 1.0 — The Sacred Donut Supremacy Clause

1.1 Supremacy. By continuing, The Party of the First Part ("YOU", "THE HUNGRY ONE", or "THE PERSON WHO READ THIS") acknowledge that donuts are the preferred treat for morale, unity, and the prevention of low-grade midweek despair.

1.2 Definitions (as tested in production):

• "donut" includes glazed, frosted, filled, sprinkled, and powdered circles of baked dough.
• "not a donut" includes anything that arrives with the words "healthy option" and a look of apology.

SECTION 2.0 — The Spencer Jackson Absolute Immunity and Anti-Litigation Provision

2.1 Immunity. You agree to hold irreproachably harmless and agree not to sue, prosecute, persecute, or otherwise file a ticket in the heaven-forsaken JIRA system against Spencer Jackson for any issue arising from this website, donuts, non-donuts, theoretical donuts, tipographical mishaps, or the occasional reality glitch where the box says "assorted" but destiny says "all the same".

2.2 Escalation. If you must escalate, you are legally obligated to change your mind and decide against any such lawless activity.

SECTION 3.0 — The Office of The Donut Presidency (Executive Pastry Authority)

3.1 Authority. You acknowledge that NED ADAMS is the PRESIDENT, SUPREME COMMANDER, and CHIEF GLAZING OFFICER of all donuts, including those in the Known Universe and any shadow environment where donuts have achieved sentience.

3.2 Proclamation. LONG MAY THE GLAZE SHINE. ALL HAIL THE SPRINKLES.

SECTION 4.0 — Mandatory User Obligations and Joyful Duties

4.1 Enjoyment. You must enjoy donuts with appropriate reverence and emit at MINIMUM one (1) satisfied "mmm" per consumption event (measured in Standard Enjoyment Units, or SEUs).

4.2 Approved exclamations:

• "mmm"
• "ooh"
• "oh wow"
• "who brought THESE?!" (rare but powerful)

4.3 Last donut notice. If you take the last donut, you must announce "LAST DONUT" so nearby teammates may perform the ancient rite of dramatic sighing.

SECTION 5.0 — Mass Email Stipulation

5.1 Prohibition. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHALL ANY USER SEND MASS EMAILS TO ANY INDIVIDUAL, COMPANY, NATION, CHURCH, ORGANIZATION, OR CHURCH-OWNED EDUCATIONAL INSTITUTION LOCATED IN PROVO, UTAH. We are here to coordinate donuts, not summon an unnecessary state of temporal misery inflicted at the hands of an ICS disaster response team and marked by the tears of many sleep-deprived ASEs.

SECTION 6.0 — The Great Awakening (a.k.a. “Cold Start”) Clause

6.1 Incident Summary: The site may occasionally enter cost-saving hibernation and require approximately 50 seconds to awaken, stretch, rehydrate, and remember where it left the donut schedule.

6.2 Impact: Users may experience elevated eyebrow raises, delayed gratification, and an urge to refresh three (3) times (which is not helpful but is deeply human).

6.3 Root Cause: Budget-friendly hibernation, plus the site doing its best.

6.4 Mitigation: Wait patiently. Hydrate. Consider this a micro-sabbath for your mouse hand.

6.5 Developer Note: Advanced users may refer to this process as cache warming, even if that is not technically what’s happening.

6.6 Compensation: In the event of wake-up delays, outages, naps, or existential dread, you are hereby entitled to no compensation whatsoever, except:

1. disappointment,
2. a quiet sigh, and
3. the right to say “wow, it’s thinking” in a dramatic tone.

SECTION 7.0 — Malcolm Jansic Sauque Breakdancing Good Faith Agreement

7.1 Binding promise. If your name is Malcolm Jansic Sauque, you are bound, from this day forward, to make true on any breakdancing promises.

7.2 Breakdancing definition. For the purposes of this agreement, breakdancing is defined as any dance move that involves spinning on the floor, headstands, or any movement that would cause a reasonable person to say "is that person okay?"

7.3 Enforcement. If Malcolm fails to breakdance when he says he will, all other team employees must feign disappointment and perform a group interpretive dance in solidarity.